You might be pathologically cheap if . . .

Aristotle wrote that the measure of a man is the mustard packets he keeps.

Being pathologically cheap means avoiding any cost at all costs.

You are cheap when you do all of your shopping at Wal-Mart. You are pathologically cheap when you refuse to go in Wal-Mart because purchasing happens there, and you would rather do anything than purchase.

Someone who is cheap is always scouting around for sales. Someone who is pathologically cheap thinks of sales as diabolical ploys aimed at boring through one’s defenses against consuming.

Become emotionally attached to socks.

Become emotionally attached not only to your tennis balls but the plastic canister in which they came.

Have one pair of dress shoes and, honestly, wouldn’t know what to do with two.

Know that anything free tastes better than anything.

Love airline food.

Consciously seek to conserve the dental floss.

Will donate blood because it’s the right thing to do, but also for the complimentary juice and crackers.

Won’t think the same crackers taste nearly as good coming out of the vending machine.

Never buy clothes for yourself in any context, except with a gift certificate — and then three years after you receive it.

Only buy sneakers for yourself when your heel and toe are exposed to the elements. Either/or — an exposed heel alone or an exposed toe — is insufficient grounds.

John Young